Color me frustrated.

I’ve been kicking it hard for almost 10 hours trying to bang out the pilot outline for Rain Girls. Definitely one of those occasions when quality of work is not directly measured by quantity of words. That is 10 Pomodoros worth of focused effort (www.pomodorotechnique.com) and at nearly 8 p.m. time for a dinner break. I seem to be trying to write the perfect five pages but keep finding that I need to write out much more in order to figure out what is happening and then go back and summarize for the outline. Other wise the story starts to get away from me and the wrong points end up in the outline beats. So it is more like I’m writing out a super detailed treatment then testing it against the loglines then summarizing. Argggh. Act one nearly killed me because I have this huge chaotic scene in the school parking lot that intros all the main characters and hints at the inter personal alliances and conflicts of all the main characters as well as element of the A,B and C story lines.

So the good news is that I know what happens through to the end of the fourth Act. So I’ve decided to stop being such a Nazi with myself and just describe everything I see and hear in my minds eye, everything I know about the plot and the points where the characters conflict and just try and get it all out of me as fast as I can. Then tomorrow I will have to go back and sort it all out. Yes, I know, isn’t that what I should of done in the first place? Yes, it is. Thanks for pointing that out. Really helps at the end of a long day of fingers banging on keys.

So I will eat something then lock the Editor Nazi up in her cell and sit down for 5 more Pomodoros tonight and just write the whole thing as fast as I can. Think the fingers might need a hot soak and some Advil after that, but it must be done. Wish me well.

Are you kidding me?

So what is the deal with new guitar strings. Do they seriously have to be tuned halfway thru a song? Are you kidding me? I put them on when? I’ve re-tuned how many times?

And what is with my incredibly well developed avoidance of success thing. Though I can report 9 pages on the Rain Girls pilot and 7 pages on episode 6.
How long did it take to write 10 thank you cards and send 7 follow up emails for PitchMarket 2010? Two Weeks? Are you kidding me?

By the way, anyone looking for a new technology – I have successfully bonded sockeye salmon skin to metal and absolutely no clue how to separate them. I seem to have created an entirely new substance. Perhaps useful for shoring up wormholes.

Wondering if I can get away with Glade plug-ins and blindfolds for book club on Wednesday.

And I’m cranky because now they’ve been on Oprah and everyone is a Canadian Tenor’s fan what do they need me for?

OOOOhhhh. Where’d that little toad come from? Though they did make nice comments about fans flying from afar and bringing treats. I guess that’s me, as long as I send chocolate and don’t show up on anyone’s doorstep I’m going to say that makes me a good fan not a stalker fan. The CTs incandescent success is a good thing, right? To do with them making the world happy. Which I want for them and they want for them. Hah! I have fan jealously. That is just silly. So.

Okay, moving on to the next pothole of the day. Now the reminder to breathe. I did get the acknowledgement that though the three videos I prepared fell short of everyone’s expectations, my hard work and effort was noted. Thanks. At least no-one complained about the font.

Are you kidding me? Last night as I was approaching the realization that there was nothing on TV that I was remotely interested in watching, I caught myself wishing I could catch that next episode of that series about the drug-addicted, wheelchair-bound sorceress. You’ve seen the promo’s surely of “Shadows Gather” with the next episode being after a long dark night of the soul the hot Cop shows up to make her and her almost-but-not-quite-jail-bait-live-in-boy-toy French toast for breakfast. Then the flash of realization that it's not a TV series Carolynne – it is the next chapter of your novel that you haven’t quite written yet. Really? Seriously? I actually had a moment of pining for the next chapter of one of MY stories. Good sign. It’s a good sign, right?

Thinking of the Shy One and our conversation about never feeling good enough. Never being able to receive love or praise or affection of any kind because you have this deep rooted feeling that if someone actually likes you it is because they are mistaken about who you really are and misguided about the quality of what you do. At some point they will come to their senses and walk away.

I was well and truly shocked when the Cossack admitted not having read my scripts yet. I actually looked and him and thought, “Then what are you sitting here for?” Yes. The concept that an attractive successful smart man just liked me for my company and not what I could do for them was kind of cataclysmic. And sad. And maybe misguided. Perhaps he is only interested in whether or not I can advance his career. But I hope it is only because I make him laugh. That’s what I hope.