Ouch, that hurts.

I am fundamentally troubled by the complete lack of acknowledgement of my emails by one of my colleagues. I mean, if he doesn’t want to come to the smart career move event, he hits reply and takes about 15 seconds to type in an excuse. “Sorry, thanks for thinking of me, but I can’t make it.” How hard was that? And yet obviously insurmountably hard because he hasn’t done so. A friend pointed out that he is a guy and if he feels he didn’t live up to his own (or my) expectations at the last event, that he is just letting it skate in the hopes that it will all go away and he can go back to doing the easy stuff. According to her, he can’t even email a “no” and shut the door because a) that would be shutting the door and b) by articulating anything it means he has to face it and think about it – which must be painful in some way, I guess.

So fine. Not like I don’t have a gazillion other things to do. I guess he’s off my bus. Disappointing that. I thought we were on our way to being great life-long friends and founding members of each others fan club. Guess I was wrong. Not like that’s a first either, but it is a dim spot in an otherwise bright and shiny period in my life. And being me, I can’t quite figure out what my reaction is. I think it should be a shrug of the shoulders and a tossed off “His loss!” and off I go never to give it another thought. But of course, being a writer, and a chick, instead, that perpetual motion tape loop in my head that proclaims “What if? What if? What if? What if ...” all day every day (and often most of the night too). What if he is ill? In jail? In love? In Tibet? What if I run in to him somewhere? What do I say? What do I do? I don’t want to be pissy or offended or forgiving.

I’m confused. While I certainly feel hurt and disappointed and sad, I certainly don’t want him to know that. Crikey, he might think I actually care about him and what he does or doesn’t do. That thought is completely repugnant. It bugs me that it bugs me so much and it bugs me that now I am spending quality time having to look at the ugly thought that if let him see how hurt my feelings are that will hurt even worse. See, doesn’t pay to care about people, especially boys. Boys are stupid. I’m even stupider for giving a rat’s ass. And my feelings are hurt both personally and professionally as obviously his ignoring me is a strong statement that he thinks I’m no one and nothing to his future career. Men show who they are by what they do, not what they say, so at this point even if he does smarten up and apologize what am I supposed to do with that? Can’t do nothing with it, and I’ll feel all uncomfortable cause I’ll try and be classy and forgiving and what is the point of that? Not like it’ll fix anything. No, as my wise friend pointed out, he has shown me who he is and that is one thing guys are actually really good at, just most times we chicks choose not to see it. Still, I hate to be wrong. If you know me at all you’ll know how deep and true that statement is. So proud I am of having all the men in my personal and professional life organized and categorized and labeled. So proud that they all think I’m secretly in love with them (shhhh, don’t even hint to any of them that I’m not) and so proud that they are such simple creatures, easy to predict and even easier to manipulate.

Oh well, I guess there is a newly vacant seat on my bus. Which is a good thing as it is really a very small bus and space is at a premium. All in all a positive thing, since it kicked me in my real feelings which spend most of their time locked in a heavy brass-bound trunk in the back of my head. That is as opposed to my every day feelings which you all see and believe as truth but are for the most part just sound and fury – something shiny to distract you from the trunk in the shadows. Getting kicked in my real feelings is good for my writing. And I say to whomever that was that said “Looking good is the best revenge.” – try blogging.

No worries at all that he'll read this blog since he can't even be bothered with my emails so the word for the day is “transcend”.