Just say NO to chain emails.

I don’t know how to be any more definite or explicit than that kids. DO NOT send them to me. I will delete them. They are not a harmless bit of fun. They are BLACK MAGIC. And I’m not exaggerating or kidding even a little. These things that promise a wish come true or something wonderful will happen if only you fulfill its terms of emotional blackmail are just that. Black. Mail. As soon as you begin to realize what you have opened and are reading hit the delete button and say a prayer for the poor misguided loved one that sent it to you.

If you think I am a Strong Woman or one of the Greatest Women in Your Life or Gift from Heaven whatever title or twist of phrase these things suck you in with. Know what? Frack off. I don’t care to have someone else’s thirteenth hand expression of my magnificence or of your affection for me. Send me a fracking email telling me you love me or think of me or I just crossed you mind in an idle moment and you are just wishing me the best. Now that would be a wish come true or a blessing or an unexpected nice surprise.

I do believe in magic. The universe fair crackles with its power if only you care to narrow your eyes and look sideways to see the fairy lights sparkle along the horizon at dawn or dusk. It also contains evil and part of my definition of that is being forced into evoking that magic on behalf of some faceless nameless spawn of a demon email that gets handed to me by a clueless friend all in the name of “fun” or a chain prayer for the betterment of all humankind, or fulfillment of my dearest wish. But watch out - you don’t meet the demon’s terms and at the best nothing will happen, at the worst, well, suffice it to say that the variations on “have a bad day” are infinite.

Do not threaten me or mine with harm. Don’t. For my wrath is mighty and my reach through space and time is infinite.

I do believe that people love me and want to connect with me and share their experience of the magic of ordinary days. Chain emails are not the way to do it. Though if what you are after is having me say a prayer for the sake of your immortal soul, well then mission accomplished. But I would have said one any way, even if you just sent me an email to say “Hi, I’m thinking of you. No need to email back, just wanted to let you know I’m thinking nice thoughts. Be well. Love.”

That’s what it’s all about, or so I’ve been told. Love. So next time you get one of these noxious frauds in your in box. Why don’t you delete it and instead send a couple lines of “just thinking about you” to ten friends. There. That’s my wish. Now go outside, turn around three times counter clockwise and spit. Only way it will come true.